Navigating a Breakup: Why Do We Jump to Label Our Ex as Having a Personality Disorder?

A friend in the throes of a terrible breakup texted me a link from the Mayo Clinic. The topic? Borderline personality disorder. “He had all the signs,” she wrote, referring to her ex. “That’s why it was so hard to be in a relationship with him.”

According to Mayo, people with borderline experience unstable, intense relationships and have a significant fear of abandonment. Those symptoms did seem to match my friend’s descriptions of her ex. Maybe, I mused, she was correct in her diagnosis.

My friend isn’t a therapist or psychologist. But she’s not alone in thinking her ex had some type of personality disorder. As mental health awareness improves, and with Dr. Google at our fingertips, more people are learning how personality disorders can impact relationships. “The trending one right now is narcissism,” says Aimee Daramus, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic and the author of Understanding Bipolar Disorder. The phenomenon has even inspired some social media influencers. In a video that’s been viewed more than 650,000 times on TikTok, Billie Rae Brandt asks: “Have you noticed that every ex is a ‘narcissist’ these days?”

Why do we reach for these labels when a relationship ends? Here’s what experts say about the trend—and how to move on from a breakup in a healthy way. 

The comfort of a label

The tendency to think our exes must have a personality disorder stems from our human survival instinct, explains Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of The Insecure in Love Workbook. Our brains are wired for problem solving, and to solve a problem, we first need to name what it is. That’s why when we’re struggling with a breakup, we may find solace in labeling our ex as disordered. “When people can label things, that makes them feel like they have some control or power over the situation,” Becker-Phelps says.

Another reason we might jump to diagnose our exes: We want an easy explanation for what happened, says Abby Medcalf, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy. The label gives us a way to say it’s not our fault and to distance ourselves from the pain, Medcalf adds.

A statistically low likelihood

But statistically speaking, there’s a relatively low likelihood our ex had a true personality disorder. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 9.1% of people ages 18 and up have some type of personality disorder. Only 1.4% of adults have borderline personality disorder, while antisocial personality disorder, marked by a lack of empathy, impacts 0.6% to 3.6% of adults. And despite our culture’s fascination with narcissistic personality disorder, only 0.5% to 5% of people in the U.S. meet the criteria for it.

What’s more plausible, experts say, is that an ex displayed features of a personality disorder. “A personality disorder is just a normal personality taken to extremes. So every confident person isn’t necessarily a narcissist, but they might share a personality style,” says Daramus. While genetics can predispose us to different mental health conditions, life events determine whether we veer into a true disorder, Daramus explains. Major stressors like illness, losing a job or the death of a loved one could push someone into the unhealthy range, at least temporarily.

The downsides of armchair diagnosis

Whether someone we dated had a legitimate personality disorder or not, labeling an ex in this way isn’t an inherently bad coping strategy. “The label can sometimes be helpful in the sense that it can be validating,” says Becker-Phelps. If so, what’s the harm in a bit of armchair diagnosis?

The activity becomes problematic, says Becker-Phelps, when we’re so busy trying to prove a diagnosis that we don’t process how the relationship affected us. We can call someone a narcissist, for example, but what’s more helpful is recognizing that a person acted condescending and made us feel negatively about ourselves.

Having a diagnosis isn’t useful in itself, Medcalf agrees. What matters is what we choose to do with the information. Do we want to keep talking about our ex, or do we want to move forward?

Fixating on a label can also be detrimental in that it promotes a victim mentality. When we tell ourselves, “I couldn’t do anything. They’re a narcissist, they’re bipolar, they have borderline,” we give up responsibility for what happened in the relationship, Medcalf says.

Finding better ways to cope

When a relationship ends, we need to utilize a mix of coping strategies that go beyond trying to diagnose our ex.

One important skill to develop is compassionate self-awareness, says Becker-Phelps. That means reflecting on the relationship and noticing—without judgment—how it affected you emotionally. Maybe an ex said things that made you feel demeaned or caused you anxiety. Through this reflection, you might realize, “it makes sense that I felt miserable, and I deserve to feel better,” says Becker-Phelps. Processing these feelings helps you “unhook” from the pain of the past, she adds.

Daramus recommends using the time after a breakup to examine what drew you to your ex. “What were you attracted to in this person, other than the physical?” she asks. A strong physical attraction can bias your judgment, so it’s a good idea to think about this when you have space away from your ex.

The people we choose to date are often a reflection of how we were raised, says Becker-Phelps. If we can notice these painful or unhelpful patterns in ourselves, we can learn from the experience to make our next relationship better.

After a breakup, Medcalf suggests making a “Why Not” list. Importantly, “this is not a list of why they’re a jerk,” she says. Rather, it’s a list of all the ways you and your ex didn’t fit well together. “Hopefully you have yourself in there a little bit, like, ‘Oh, I got triggered a lot when they did this,’” she says. Engaging in this self-reflection can be difficult. But it’s taking action—not labeling—that ultimately helps us heal and grow. “Let that relationship make you better, not bitter,” says Medcalf.

Photo by PeopleImages.com – Yuri A/Shutterstock.com

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