How to Survive Financial Infidelity

Have you ever hidden a purchase from a partner or had your partner hide one from you? If so, you or your partner may have engaged in financial infidelity. A 2024 Bankrate survey found that it isn’t uncommon—42% of married or partnered U.S. adults have kept a financial secret from their significant other. Financial experts answer five of the most pressing questions about financial infidelity below.

1. What is financial infidelity?

The circumstances that qualify as financial infidelity differ because each partnership has different understandings and agreements about money. In one relationship, each partner may have spending money they can use without consulting the other. While in another, the expectation may be to consult each other for every purchase. 

An action is considered financial infidelity when one partner intentionally deceives the other or lies through omission. That intention is important, says Jillian Knight, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in finances. When the action is intentionally deceitful, it can no longer be considered a misunderstanding, a lack of communication or a moment of irresponsibility. That’s when it becomes a breach of trust.

Other examples of financial infidelity include getting cash back without telling your spouse, having secret accounts, stashing cash, opening a credit card without your partner’s knowledge and/or accumulating gambling debts.

2. Why does financial infidelity occur?

Knight says financial infidelity generally occurs when there’s a lack of emotional security in the relationship to be able to talk about money. “They don’t feel like they can safely share with their partner without being criticized or feeling like they did something wrong,” Knight says.

3. What effect does financial infidelity have on a relationship?

Financial infidelity is a betrayal of sorts. “It really impacts the trust, which is the basis of relationships, right?” Knight says. Then, it “makes people more likely to question [what] other things their partner is doing. Like, if you’re doing this, is this the only thing you’re doing? It can be really hurtful.”

Aja Evans, a board-certified therapist and specialist in the intersection of emotions and money, also observes that many times people underestimate how closely they tie their sense of security or stability to money. “So, if money is being siphoned out for something else that is not feeding the family, where you thought it was going, then it can really break trust for people. It can build up a sense of insecurity or feeling anxious,” she says.

In some cases, financial infidelity can affect relationships just as dramatically as other forms of infidelity. The 2024 Bankrate survey found that more than a fourth of adults believe withholding financial information from a partner is as detrimental as physical cheating. “I think it functions in a similar way emotionally,” Knight says. “It’s a similar breach of trust, right? I trusted this person and they did something outside of the relationship that was dishonest.”

4. How can couples recover from financial infidelity?

Experts agree that before partners can begin sorting out the monetary aspects of financial infidelity—for example, paying back debt or closing secret accounts—they must first address the underlying emotions. “It can be really difficult for couples to navigate what’s going on because there are a lot of feelings happening… I think what’s hardest for people is trying to set aside the anger or be gracious when you’re listening to the other party,” Evans says.

Knight says it may be difficult to find middle ground because one may feel justified in their actions and the other is hurt, and therefore has their defenses up.

It’s important for partners to get to the underlying cause of the financial infidelity. Evans says to ask, “What was going on for you that you felt like you couldn’t talk about this… or share your feelings about what was going on?” What’s critical is “really allowing that space to be held for each person and their feelings… to be held without judgment,” she says.

When the partners have found emotional clarity, it’s time to turn to logical financial solutions. Recovering from financial infidelity requires rethinking money systems so the breach of trust doesn’t occur again, trust is slowly rebuilt and everyone has clarity.

Solutions for financial healing

Each couple’s solution depends on the circumstances surrounding the act of financial infidelity. For example, in a couple where one partner felt so constrained that they began spending secretly, they may set an amount of spending money for which each is not accountable to the other. In a situation where one partner has racked up debt, the couple may need to create a repayment plan together, make their spending transparent to the other, and set up a check-in system to verify each knows about the other’s accounts. Knight notes that in cases of gambling addiction, additional treatment and counseling may be needed.

Regardless of the circumstances, Evans says both partners should know how much money there is and where it’s going. This is an opportunity for a reset. “A lot of couples sort of stumble into their way of managing their finances. I would suggest taking the time to be intentional about how things are structured,” Knight says. Communication is also vital in recovering from financial infidelity—and preventing it from happening in the first place.   

5. How can partners prevent financial infidelity?

“Talk about money early and often,” Evans says. Although partners may not want to discuss finances when they first start dating, as the relationship deepens and marriage is on the table,  Evans suggests discussing the following questions together:

• What did you learn about money growing up?
• How do you think about money? 
• How do you feel about money? 
• How do you manage money?
• What are some of your financial goals and what would you like to see yourself accomplishing in the future? 

All these questions set the stage for understanding each other’s relationship with money better— and they serve to build a foundation of having open conversations about money.

After marriage, it’s key to keep these conversations going. Evans suggests regular money dates to discuss finances throughout marriage. She recommends setting goals for the year as individuals and as a couple at the new year. These goals may include saving, for example, for a down payment, trip or retirement fund, paying off debt, reigning in impulse spending or following a budget.

Then, check in via monthly money dates. Evaluate your progress toward individual and shared goals. If you’re not progressing toward your goals, why? What are the setbacks and how can you get back on track? This is also a good time to discuss spending, unexpected expenses, saving and other items that affect the shared financial picture.

“It’s hard for people to talk about [money], but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk about it. It’s really important, and it’s only going to bring you closer,” Evans says.

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